Lady Gaga, Virgin Mobile, and the Best Night of Abby's Life

There are not many things that would inspire me to drive for two hours on a weekday night in rush hour traffic to....San Jose?!?  As the song goes, I DO know the way to San Jose...and it's long and ugly.  But for Lady Gaga and her only Northern California stop for the "Monster Ball" tour?  I'm there.

Turns out "there" was the HP pavillion, and I knew I was getting close to "there" when the people on the street started looking less Silicon Valley and more Silicon Implants.  Push-up boobs and aqua-colored garments that were probably bathing suits in a former life (think: "Poker Face"). Shredded, not-so-clean fishnets and black underwear (think: "Just Dance").  Supermodel dark glasses, bleach-blond wigs, and fake blood (think: "Paparazzi").  Coke cans in the hair and police caution tape draped around the butt (think: "Telephone").  Space-age sparkly catsuits (think: "Bad Romance"). Tie-dyed shapeless mumu (hmmm....think: Bad Mistake).

Tickets in hand, we wandered past the requisite religious freaks who carried signs that read, "You will rot in Hell!"  My boyfriend suggested that we make out in front of one particularly uptight-looking woman with a bullhorn and a well-worn book of scripture, but just at that moment, a very pleasant young woman carrying a hand-made sign that said simply, "God loves everyone" walked up and held her sign in front of the screeching crackpot.  I figured that was a much more fitting and appropriate response.  You go, girl!

The concert was a social media/technology marvel.  From the moment The Gaga appeared on stage, the entire arena was lit by literally thousands of cameras, flip cams, and smartphones aimed held aloft by enraptured Little Monsters.  The woman in front of me recorded THE WHOLE CONCERT on her smartphone, stopping only to reload memory sticks periodically.  I found myself wishing that Big Live www.biglive.com had gone online already - I would have loved to watch the concert unfold in the shared Big Live experience.  But I digress.

As always, The Gaga was one step ahead of everyone else.  YOU have a smartphone with you at her concert?  Well, so does SHE!  Just before the concert started, huge banners across the stage proclaimed, "Text 'GAGA' to 74499 and be entered to win a prize!" 

Right after gyrating to "Show Me Your Teeth" underneath a full-size statue of Jesus with burning wings and bleeding body, Gaga stopped the music, walked up to the front of the stage, and whipped out her....cell phone.  Holding it up, she said, "Tonight is for everyone who has ever felt like a freak.  My whole life, I was told that I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough, couldn't dance well enough, couldn't sing well enough. This is for all of you out there who have been rejected, marginalized, or cast out because someone thought you were a freak.  Well, let me tell you what.  Tonight, the freaks are all OUTSIDE, and I'VE LOCKED THE DOORS!"

So now I'm on the verge of tears, watching thousands of people cheering at the top of their lungs, and thinking how wonderful it is that this pop-icon superstar is using her mega-celebrity to celebrate and validate her fans.  But it got better.  Remember the cell phone she's holding?  Gaga holds it up again, and (master of product placement that she is), announces, "Tonight, I'm thrilled to announce that Virgin Mobile has made a pledge to donate $20,000 to my favorite charity, which is the RE*Generation campaign http://www.virginmobileusa.com/virgin-mobile-life/regeneration-past-about, which serves LGBT homeless youth who have been kicked out of their houses by their families who couldn't accept them for being just who they were born to be."  You think the crowd went crazy BEFORE?  The roof is coming off the place now. 

And that's STILL not the end of it....

Putting the (very prominently labelled) Virgin Mobile phone to her ear, Gaga says, "You know that text that said someone was going to get a prize tonight?" Oh yeah, I know.  I'm now clutching my phone and doing everything I can to will it to ring, and in my mind, this is the first chat that Gaga and I are going to have, and then it's going to lead to a first date, and then more dates, and then we're going to have this lovely white wedding with both of us in matching Vera Wang gowns, and...oh wait.  That's right.  I'm gay.  Oops.  Forgot that for a moment.  But I digress...

Gaga dials her phone, which is now hooked into the arena sound system, and for the FIRST TIME all night, EVERY smartphone in the whole entire place drops down, as people peer into their screens, hoping to see "incoming call." And I swear, even though I know it's physically impossible, as I'm peering into my still-dark screen, I hear a scream coming from the complete other side of the arena, way up in the nosebleed seats.  Every head turns, and there is a young woman in a black catsuit, wrapped in police caution tape, hysterically clutching her phone to her ear and jumping up and down with her friend who is dressed in a Wonder Woman outfit (hint: if you don't know the reference, watch the "Telephone" video.  hint number two: It's what Beyonce is wearing. And for a great parody of that video, see http://www.barelydigital.com/awesome/episode/KA_20100323/lady-gaga-beyonce-telephone-parody But I digress). 

"Who's this?" asks Gaga politely.  "IT'S ABBY!!!!!!" shrieks Abby, who clearly does not need any artificial amplication of her own.  From what I can tell, however, she may well be in need of an adult diaper.  "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE! THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" 

"Abby, here's my gift to you," says Gaga solemnly.  "I'm going to move you and your friends to seats right here next to me close to the stage, and then when the concert is over, I'm going to bring you back stage and give you a big hug in person."   Abby is now making noises that only dogs can hear.  When she finally comes back to uttering human sounds, they are not in any known Earth language.  And I'm now thinking that she can go for the costco package of adult diapers, because Abby's entire little entourage is having a collective euphoric meltdown.

"Abby, and everyone else out there," intones Gaga, "You all made me what I am today.  You tell me that you love me, but that's not what's iimportant.  What's important is that you love yourselves, and you respect yourselves, no matter what your age or race or color or gender or sexual orientation. And I love you all for beiing brave enough to be who you really are."  Okay, now I'm screaming and cheering too.  I can't help myself.  I'm officially a little monster. 

But Gaga's not done yet.  She may have a great social conscience, but she's also a consumate performer.  So this is her closing salvo: "Oh, Abbey, I gotta go.  I'm getting another call."  And as her musicians start playing the first few notes of Gaga's smash hit, "Telephone," The Lady coyly holds the phone to her ear, winks at the audience, and says, "Hello?  Who's this?....pause, pause...oh, hi, Beyonce!"

The place goes nuts.